I stopped writing for a while, not because I’m all better but because life. Over the past 3 months I’ve been learning how to manage being a mom, a full time teacher, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend. Probably in that order. I’m still learning. When you think you have it down, life hits you with something new.
I’ve struggled a lot with my anxiety. Luckily my depression seems to be gone. I look back now and see the blur my life was when I was depressed. For a while, I had a fear that I would die and leave my son without a mother. It was debilitating. Driving was the worst. I would start making up scenarios in my head, usually after coming in contact with a bad driver. I would imagine being hit and what would come after. My mind would run wild and I would end up feeling sick to my stomach. Over time I was able to control my thoughts and I don’t struggle with that anxiety as much. Of course I still have the fear of leaving my son without a mother but I think that’s normal.
Going back to work was probably the best thing for my sanity. Although I still struggle with the fact that I don’t spend the mornings with my son, I have it pretty good. Being a teacher has its perks. I’m done with my work day by 2pm, I have all holidays and weekends off and I’m currently counting down for summer vacation. All of this is well deserved, trust me. Being at work distracted me from my depressive thoughts. It let me focus and worry about my job instead of focusing on my guilt I had from my son ending up in the NICU. Although I hate leaving him every morning, picking him up is the best. The way his face lights up and arms start flying when he sees me melts my heart.
I have the best husband and my son is beyond fortunate to have him as a dad. He’ll drop whatever he’s doing to make sure we’re ok. He works so hard, loves us so much and never puts himself first. He is the most understanding, loving a caring human being. We’ve both been navigating through our new life together and through the ups and downs I know we’ll always be ok. I hope that this summer gives me the time I need to focus on bettering myself so that I can have a better balanced life. I want to be more active and eat healthier especially since my son is in the stage where he notices everything. I want him to grow up healthy so I need to be a good role model.
Overall, I’ve been ok. I’m blessed to be just ok. Looking back I don’t feel that I missed out on being present for my son but I missed out on my own self-care. It was non existent. About a month ago I caught myself on social media while my son was laughing and playing by himself on the couch next to me. I felt a pit in my stomach and a feeling of guilt for prioritizing other people’s life on social media rather than my own. I made the choice to be on social media less after that. It’s still downloaded on my old phone but I rarely have it on me. From time to time I’ll go on it after my son falls asleep and now that I’m not on it religiously like I use to be it’s not the same. I don’t miss it and sometimes when I go on it I think “why did I just waste my time?”. For me, this was a good decision. A decision that has allowed me to be in the moment with my son. He’s growing so fast and I don’t want to miss it.